Things You Should Not Substitute For Whipped Cream During Sex, Even If You Are Out Of Whipped Cream.

(An excerpt from McSweeney's that I didn't write, but agree with.)

• Mayonnaise
• Sour Cream
• Cottage Cheese
• Cream Cheese
• Almond-encrusted port-wine cheese ball
• Gravy
• Very Hot Tea
• Rock Cornish Game Hens
• Paper Clips